How Can I Help You to Say Goodbye
by ilovetvalot
Summary: After a devastating loss, can Hotch help JJ face the pain?


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**How Can I Help You to Say Goodbye**

I found her the same place I did every week. I could almost set my clock by her weekly actions. Every Saturday, by ten in the morning, this is where I would find her. It had been this way for six months. I knew her routine was nowhere close to changing in the near future.

While her son quietly played nearby, under the grove of oak trees, she'd sit, still as stone on the same cement bench, her eyes focused on the monument in front of her eyes.

I knew her habits well. Partially because her actions were too predictable to go unnoticed. But mostly because I'd been there myself. I knew the pain she suffered...had experienced that shattering loss firsthand. I also knew the pain wasn't insurmountable. Time and distance could heal even the deepest wounds.

Touching my own son's shoulder lightly, I pointed to where Henry chased a butterfly around the trees. "Why don't you go help Henry chase the butterflies, Jack?" I suggested evenly. "I wanna have a grown up talk with Aunt JJ for a few minutes."

Watching my child, so much the image of his mother, look up at me with that softly familiar gaze I'd seen in her eyes so often, my heart clenched. "Okay, daddy," he said, sprinting toward his friend, his seven year old sturdy legs carrying him toward the three year old dancing beneath the trees.

Watching the two boys, one dark, one fair, frolic together for a moment, I couldn't help but think of the similar paths their lives had taken. Both victims of a tragedy neither understood. The loss of half the parenting unit irrevocably altering both their lives. But, fortunately, they had youth on their side. Their memories of their mother and father, both viciously stolen from them at tender ages, would be dim. They'd remember the good times...the grim tragedy of their respective parents passing only a shadow of their youth.

But, for JJ and I...we'd remember every second. And those memories would be eternal for us. The passage of time had dulled the ache for me as it eventually would for her, but there would be no forgetting the pain for either of us.

The loss of our loved ones might have occurred differently. A deranged unsub bent on revenge had taken Haley. A drug bust gone wrong had stolen Will's life. But the pain...the bitterness...the regret...those things we had in common.

Quietly walking to her side, I made sure my footsteps announced my arrival. She scared easily these days. After years of having the security of a man by her side, she'd grown accustomed to his presence. Now suddenly gone and with a child to protect, she was constantly on her guard.

"Hey," I said by way of greeting, taking my customary seat on the stone slab to her right. This was not the first or the last time I would join her on this journey.

"Hey," she said huskily, lifting a hand to wipe a stray tear off her pale cheek self-consciously.

"How is today?" I asked, knowing she needed to talk...to vent...to purge.

"Better than last week," she replied. "I made it all the way to the bench this time before I began crying," she answered honestly.

Nodding, I stared at the granite cross that bore Will's name. "That's progress. It took me six months before I could do that."

Biting her lip, she shook her head, unable to speak. "When does it all stop feeling so unfair, Hotch?" she whispered tremulously.

"I don't know," I replied honestly. "I'll let you know when it happens for me."

"It feels like the pain inside me is never going to stop," JJ wept, crying openly now.

Calmly reaching out my hand, I covered hers with mine. "I know," I said simply, worried by the chill in her soft skin. It was a cool morning. Spring hovered in the air, but had not quite made an appearance yet. Shrugging out of my jacket, I draped it over her sagging shoulders.

"Did it ever stop for you?" she asked, looking hopefully toward me.

I couldn't lie to her. I never had achieved the ability to cloak the truth in ribbons. So instead, I said truthfully. "It becomes bearable, JJ. You'll always feel the ache of loss...or, at least, I do...but there'll come a day and you'll realize that you can still smile...still laugh. You'll look at your son and see Will's smile or hear his voice in something Henry says and it'll give you a small piece of what you had back for a moment."

"I want to believe that," JJ said shakily, wiping her cheeks with the tissue I pressed into her hand.

"If it helps, you know I don't lie," I said, squeezing her hand in solidarity. "And I certainly wouldn't lie to you."

"Some days, I don't know if I can keep going without him," JJ revealed shakily, her eyes glued to the monument to Will's life.

"You will," I told her confidently, secure in that knowledge. "You don't have a choice, JJ, any more than I did," I told her, pointing toward our sons, chasing each other below the trees. "We both have a very good reason to keep going, no matter how hard the days get."

Her eyes moving past my finger to where I pointed at our boys, so carefree in the morning sunshine as they scampered to and from, I watched her shudder involuntarily, exhaling a long breath, almost as if she were trying to blow away all the doubt and fears encasing her heart.

I watched as she squared her shoulders, my jacket swallowing her thin frame as she straightened. And I smiled faintly as thrust her chin out slightly. Slowly, she was regaining control, just as I expected she would. Each week we sat here together in the cemetery, she recovered her equilibrium just a little faster. Whether she realized it or not, I knew she was healing.

Finally nodding as her jaw firmed, she whispered, "I'm not okay yet, Hotch."

And lacing my fingers with hers, I said what I knew to be true. "You will be eventually."

And she would be. Time, faith, and friendship would make sure of that.

_**finis**_

**_Author's Note 2: Sorry for the extra note today, but I have to take a moment to thank a couple of people. Flashpenguin, you didn't know it, but you gave me the idea for this fic and I thank you for it. Those brainstorming sessions come in handy. And tonnie2001969, thank you for being my partner in crime. Without you, nothing would EVER get done regardless of what you say. You're the best co-author, beta and friend a chick could ask for. And luckily for me, you agreed to take a chance on a crazy author that wouldn't leave you alone two years ago. And I'm a better person for it! And, as always, I think the CM readers rock! Thanks, guys!_**


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